From the annuls of Pinetree Studios a partial transcript for the groundbreaking new film “It Came!” Let’s join Reginald Vermouth for this ahem interesting interview!
Radio Broadcast Transcript From The Set of IT CAME!
Radio transcript taken from Reginald Vermouth’s un-aired interview with Dick Claymore and Fanny Flaunders for the popular wireless broadcast ‘Cinemadrone’.
Date: August 16th 1958
Reginald: Hello Cinemadroners, Reginald Vermouth here with more tittle-tattle from the Golden Age of cinema. I’m sitting here in the bleak and intermittent sunshine on the Cornish Riviera with two of British cinema’s most, I would like to say ‘popular’, but instead let me say ‘recondite’ actors today: Mr Dick Claymore and Miss Fanny Flaunders. Hello.
Fanny: Good Morning.
Reginald: Hello. Now, you’re here currently finishing the last scenes from the upcoming Pinetree Studios production ‘It Came!’ I was wondering if you could tell our most likely indifferent readers anything about that at all?
Fanny: It’s all rather exciting. A giant alien robot has descended upon Earth from the heavens above and threatens the very Britishness of existence and life as we’ve become accustomed to it. Can I say ‘Britishness’? Is that a word? At any rate, Dick and myself are the only people who can stop it – it’s a terribly original and groundbreaking concept in filmmaking.
*Highly audible sound of ice cubes rattling around in a glass as liquid is poured.*
Reginald: Mr Claymore, don’t you think nine-thirty is a tad too early for a Scotch of quite that magnitude?
Dick: It doesn’t count if you haven’t been to sleep yet, Old Boy. Consider it a liquefied breakfast of sausage and eggs… except Scotch.
Reginald: Well, quite. What would you say are your feelings on the production so far, Mr Claymore?
Dick: It’s been incredibly exciting, not to mention mysterious.
Dick: Yes, rather. You see, I don’t actually read the script until ten minutes before going on set. The Cinemadrone audience’s clue as to what’s going to happen is as good and as vague as mine – thrilling stuff! Could I get a top up? Thanks awfully.
Reginald: That doesn’t seem like the most organised or indeed efficient way of going about things. However does that go down with the Director?
Fanny: Fortunately, the Director is open to quite a high level of improvisation, almost to the point where it makes no sense whatsoever. You’d think he didn’t have any idea of what was actually happening in the film. I’m sure it’s all dreadfully clever really.
Dick: Entirely insensible, Old Boy, entirely!
Reginald: So would you say that there is what could be summed up as a ‘jovial atmosphere’ on set?
Dick: I wouldn’t say ‘jovial’. ‘Awkward’, perhaps. ‘A seething hotbed of underlying tension and annoyance’, most definitely. I’ll say ‘tolerable’ so as not to appear a rotter.
Fanny: *Long pause* Er, what Dick means to say is that we all have an absolute ball on set. Everyone gets on famously and we have a jolly good time. Sometimes I absolutely cry with laughter.
Dick: I cry when I get my payslip each month, and it’s not from laughter. You know, looking at you through the bottom of this glass your head looks like it was sort of mashed together with a combination of root vegetables.
*Reginald confers with someone out of recording distance.*
Reginald: Shall I keep going? Right o’.
Uh, Mr Claymore, do you think it’s accurate to say that, in general, you have been accused of simply playing yourself in all of your previous roles?
Dick: Who else would I play? I’ll play me in all my subsequent roles, too. I never wanted to be an actor, you know, I wanted to be a fireman or a deep-sea diver. Anything with rubber, really. It’s the smell, you see.
Fanny: Would you mind turning your head? Your breath is melting the clasp on my handbag.
Reginald: I’ve heard that the special effects in this production are setting up to be almost as impressive as those found in ‘Gertie the Dinosaur’. Would you care to extrapolate on this at all?
Dick: Yes, indeed. It’s all very remarkable actually. They film all of the robot-y and space-y bits in another studio down the road, then cut it all together with a bit of movie magic and it looks as though we’re being chased by an enormous hemorrhoid from space or something. I’m sure it’s going to keep the audiences on the edges of their seats throughout! Though thinking about it, they probably use scissors and glue and not magic at all.
*A short pause as Dick’s face contorts.*
Dick: I know what you’ve read in the papers, but I do love my wife, you know.
Reginald: I beg your pardon?
Dick: Mother, you see, dressed me in leotards until I was 15, you understand. Frightfully rough on a boy, as we all know.
Reginald: I think you’ve had enough, Mr Claymore.
Dick: I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough!
Dick: I’ve had enough. Would you like to hear a song? Rule Britannia, three monkeys on a stick, one fell orf, and para–
*Interview cuts out to the sounds of scuffling and raised voices.*
Want more info on this goofy sci-fi romp? Look here for my previous post about the series and keep checking back for more information!
Artist: Boultwood, Dan
Cover Artist: Boultwood, Dan